It was all good just a week ago. Seriously. An entire seven days ago. I was happy go lucky. You couldn’t tell me nothing. I was a little nervous about one thing, but most importantly I was ready. Let me start here at the present. Because staying in the now makes it easier for me to focus.
I’m currently dealing with heartbreak. The first thing I’ve learned is this shit is real. And it gets real very quickly. No matter how you try to prepare, you can still never be ready for it. It will hit, and it will hit hard. You’re never braced for the impact, but just know it hits in the wave of all the emotions you feel. What’s worse is, you don’t know how long you will feel like this. I read in an article that you only get better at coping with it. It doesn’t have an expiration date. There’s no timer. No grace period. It’s like you have to feel your way through. I’m learning this as I go day by day, and hour by hour.
How did I get here?
I made the bold decision to tell the man I’d been dating for over a year that I was in love with him. And since we’re both adults, we’re far too old to be playing the ‘What Are We’ game, and need to get it together and agree that we’re going to make this a full blown relationship. What pushed me to speak up and out was that, we’re in each other’s lives, we’ve been doing this for over a year, we’re not getting younger, and its clear we both have strong feelings for each other. Being honest seemed like the best policy to follow.
So I told him. Boldly. He listened. Attentively. And responded saying he didn’t want to ruin things with a relationship, but would rather remain friends. I know he said more after that, but my ears couldn’t take the screeching sound I was hearing as I was piecing together he didn’t want the same thing. All I had left in me to say was I couldn’t just be his friend. I wanted more and he didn’t. That was the end.
Again I say, I’ am currently dealing with heartbreak. It’s not the relationship part that’s getting to me. It’s the fact that I’ve now lost a friend. A close friend. My person. And so far, out of this series matchup, heartbreak is currently winning. I’m unsure how many games is in this series, and I have no way of finding out. I just know that for the past couple of days, I’ve spent it trying not to hysterically burst into tears. Laughing one minute, then bawling my eyes out the next.
How am I dealing?
In the first 72 hours of it, I found that I have a support system that is out of this world. I’m thankful they’re present in my life, but after all the favors have been completed, and the day comes to a close, I find myself spending the remainder of my night with just me and my thoughts. And just what are my thoughts doing? Replaying the last conversation. Literal flashbacks. I was told that I have to just let things be. Don’t rush myself and to give me time to process and accept everything that is happening. I’ve been telling myself it’s okay not to be okay. And honestly, that’s all I have for right now. I’ve spent hours not sleeping and just staring, whether it be at the blinds or just the wall. That seems fulfilling when you have nothing else left to give. I don’t even feel like me right now. It’s so uncomfortable and uneasy, but for right now I want to rest in it. Mainly, because this is the only thing that makes sense. Strange, right? I know. When I feel the need to cry, I let the tears fall. I’m fragile. So fragile, that if you hug me too tight, I will cry. Ah hell, I’m tearing up now just knowing I have people in my corner that want to give me their shoulder or be an ear. See?…Fragile. I logged out of social media. Why? I just don’t feel like dealing with it. I don’t want to be social anymore than I have to.
What I know…so far
There is no time limit.
Just let it be.
Taking time out for me is essential to my well being.
Talk about it.
It will get easier……At some point.
Trust the process because it’s levels to this.
What am I focused on?
I decided to turn my attention to the things I can control. In the recent weeks I’ve purchased new books and now want to read. I guess so my mind can escape and get lost in a book. I started back journaling, and I mean really journaling, a few times a day. I’m seeing my progress be documented. I’m praying, of course. Mainly for peace of mind, understanding, and forgiveness. I’m giving myself small pats on the back for recognizing my need to back away from the table after not being properly served. I’m showing up even though I don’t want to.
This is helping me cope. This is getting me through. I’ am by no means no expert on how to deal with heartbreak. I just know each time it feels new. In the past, the reward has been getting myself back. You can never lose when you find yourself. It’s not that I tend to throw myself away. It is just the simple task of finding who I’ am again. Getting back to the little things I neglected. I’m slowly finding my happy. I’m slowly finding my peace.